i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
