If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
