I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
