We're facebook friends in real life
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
