Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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