wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
