I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He? As in you personified your dick?
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