shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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