you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
