You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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