I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
