if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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