2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
