I faked an abortion last night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
