but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have feelings that need drinking.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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