I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
