genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
