i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
