Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
