I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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