I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
