It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
