im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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