Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
