I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
