dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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