i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
