When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
