tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
