why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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