Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
