Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
