I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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