Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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