dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
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I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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