Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
