I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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