I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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