I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
