I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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