Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
