I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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