She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
