On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
