Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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