It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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