Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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