I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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