clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
