I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
