Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
