i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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