y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
