I just pynch a tree in the face
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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