so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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