Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
