every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
